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Net Gains (Dec 04, 98) |
Last month, Interscape World joined the cybercafe fray by offering
its services at Shivaji Park. They offer some of the lowest rates
for Internet access on a leased line. For walk-in customers, half
an hour of Internet usage costs Rs. 50, while membership schemes
make prices more attractive (students are entitled to a 10% discount).
Interscape World boasts of a customised browser that serves as
a handy starting point for beginners, while die-hard users can
move a step ahead and fire up their browsers. Besides the cybercafe,
Interscape World also has an amusement games arcade and pool tables.
Sadly enough, some strange force seemed to make more people gravitate
towards the arcade than the cybercafe. Is it price? I don't think
so - the closest cybercafe (Cybercafe 209) is more expensive.
My gut feel is that people are still largely unaware of the Internet,
what it has in store for them, and how they can benefit - be it
in the area of information, education, entertainment, communication,
or convenience. For those who are interested in dropping in to
check it out, Interscape World is diagonally opposite "Sweet
Bengal" (earlier "Only Fish").
Hotmail is no longer hot - since the last couple of weeks, access
has been excruciatingly slow. Email that we could read in a jiffy
now takes forever to appear on the screen. For those considering
a change, try out Email.com. Yahoo Mail or Usa.Net - some alternatives
to the ubiquitous hotmail.com that everyone and his pet seem to
be using!
And finally, after years of meticulous eye-straining, back-breaking,
finger-hurting research on the Net, I've discovered a homepage
that will fulfil the dreams of millions of Indians - to become
like Anu Malik. Presenting - ta-da! The 5 step guide to becoming
Anu Malik
- Log on to Lyr-Icks: A Shrine to Unintentionally Bad Songwriting (http://www.10mb.com/whysel/Lyr-Icks/). This is a homepage where platinum-selling songs by popular artistes are analysed, and torn to shreds. Currently you can take your pick from My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion), Candle in the Wind (Elton John, 1997), I Believe I Can Fly (R. Kelly), and Iris (Goo Goo Dolls).
- Carefully go through the analysis of the lyrics of the above songs. While all are caustically hilarious, the Titanic track takes the cake. Like the rest of us, the homepage owner too used to stop everything she was doing when she heard the track - the association with the movie is enough to do that, even for those of us who saw the epic love story only recently. However, only when she paid attention to the lyrics did she feel the need to warn the world about the con-job that the song really is.
- Do-It-Yourself - Noreen (who owns the page) had created a neat Titanic Ly-Rx generator. All you do is feed it with things like adjectives, two-syllable nouns, active verbs, and a few other things we learnt in school grammar. If you can do it on your own - bravo! But if you're like me, you'd better keep your good ol' Wren & Martin nearby for easy reference! At the end of this exercise, the Ly-Rx generator churns up a new revised version (your own remix version) of the Titanic track, based on what you fed it.
- While your first attempt at using the Ly-Rx generator may generate a few smiles, there's scope for improvement. With a little practise, brushing up of your grammar, and foresight, you can come up with a hit single that may just make it to the Titanic Ly-Rx Hall of Fame as have the following versions: My Bird Will Do Drugs, My Crap Will Get Flambeed, and My Ship will Hit an Iceberg…
- Now comes the all-important final stage. It's obviously no use churning up some excellent lyrics if you can't get everyone to listen to your songs. With that aim in mind, you'll have to con someone into releasing your re-mixes for you…
That's all you need to do to become another Anu Malik. Simple
isn't it? After your efforts, if you do come up with some exceptional
lyrics, do email them to me.